An Open Letter to My Ex (-favorite sweat pants)

Updated: Aug 10, 2019

First off, I am sorry for being so lousy lately. I know I left you at my parents’ house for two months and admit I didn't even miss you that much. I feel really bad about that. I know you've had abandonment issues ever since we went to Amber’s beach house together back in 2004 and you accidentally got sent home in her suitcase. You know I was just as upset about that as you were. But, so, yeah, I don’t really know how to say this but I don’t think we can hang out together any more.

You have to believe me when I tell you that none of this is your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. This is all because of me, I promise. I've just been going through some stuff lately, you know? Work has been super stressful and you remember that guy I was telling you about? Ryan? Well, he has this really comfortable pair of pajamas and I've been wearing them a lot lately. They’re made out of flannel and you know it’s been so cold out and stuff... and it just kind of happened, I swear. I never wanted it to end like this, but I really think these pajamas may be the pair.

It’s not that the pajamas are better than you are. You’re both really great in your own ways. For example: you are super soft! And even though your elastic is loose and you don’t really fit properly, you still sort of stay up! I mean, that’s sheer determination on your part and I really admire that in a pair of sweatpants. But the pajamas have a lot a great qualities too and I think maybe they’re the qualities that I’m looking for right now in lounge-wear. I just really like that the pajamas aren't totally transparent from a thousand rounds in the washing machine and they don’t have a series of holes dangerously close to my crotch. You have to understand… I mean, look, I’d really love to make this work but I just can’t invest all of the time and energy into this right now. Suspenders for sweat pants aren't a thing and I can’t sew. I really just think it’s time you move out of the dresser. I hear Good Will has an open hanger or two; maybe you could go there?

I know you’re gonna say something like, But Katy! Look at what you’ve done to me! Who’s going to want me now? My-soft fleece is matted and pilled, my elastic is broken and useless, and you ruined my beautiful, even complexion with bleach! You can't even see my BOOTYLICIOUS appliqué anymore! How will people know I'm bootylicious?!

...Yeah, you've got a point, but I really believe that someone will see through all of those flaws and love you for who you are! And bootylicous stopped being a 'thing' 15 years ago -- I just didn't know how to tell you.

So this is it, I guess. You can just tell me when you’re ready to go, okay? I can drop you off at Good Will whenever - it’s on my way to work… And if it makes you feel any better, I think you will you take this way better than the Yellow Hoodie. That was a disaster. No longer yours, Katy PS: You know the bleach was a total accident and it would be really great if you could stop throwing it in my face. I didn't know you were in the basket with all of the whites, okay? Whatever. I’m not having this conversation again.

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